Where do I go from here?

When everything is spinning spinning spinning around me, there's only one thing I've learnt to do.

Thankful for my angels in disguise.

It's an elusive concept.

Conflicted.

I feel so damn suffocated my mind feels like its going to burst i need a reprieve it is all so fleeting i wish you, you, you, you, you could understand who do i look to i don't know why you, you, you and you are acting like that will you listen to me i need a reprieve i need a reprieve.

Modern Antiquities: All the love for this passion of mine

It's over. Just before we entered the doors at the back of LKC LT for the finale item, I was telling Jen, "omg, so fast, it's ending already". All the mad rush in changing the costumes, all the other previous items felt so surreal.

But I'll never forget how it feels to put in the bestest of my best. I stretched and reached out so much during Jen's item that my muscle tensed up and ached. And I was breathing so heavily that my throat turned dry and I felt like coughing during the item. Had to control it until blackout and I was coughing on the way into backstage. When I was changing for Calling You (the sunflower item) I was already gagging backstage - really felt like I needed to puke. Thankfully the other dancers were there helping me to wear my costume.

When the entire dance troupe walked down every aisle in the LT during the finale, it felt so good. The attention, the intensity of the dancers, the curiosity in the audience. It was like in the rehearsals, just with many many people seated in the otherwise empty seats. It felt like we were in their world performing for them, but we were in OUR own world, putting up a performance regardless of the giggles, the whispers, the comments and the discomfort.

Too bad I missed the sight of Ryan and Jessica jumping in excitement in the control room - that would have really made it a whole lot more fulfilling. But Ryan's thumbs-up and "very, very good" after the curtain call was good enough.

Through this concert I realised the worst in people, but also the best in people. I've already forgotten most of the bad happenings, those things that made me cry, made me stressed up, made me disappointed, jaded, weary and wary. In my mind it's all wonderful memories, and I'm glad of that.

Can't believe how many nice deeds I've come across during the course of preparation of the concert - e.g. the uncle at the provision shop who offered to help me carry the 33 umbrellas to the taxi, the taxi uncle who also offered to carry the umbrellas up and down the cab for me, mr cheong the AV technician who was very very professional and very helpful, the OFPM people who replied my emails very promptly and even offered extra advice, yennee who helped us out on the guest list, mel who reminded me of last minute stuff to look out for when planning the concert, vernon who stood up and offered to help revise the finale item with the girls when the atmosphere was so scary with ryan being pissed (what bravery), evelyn and rachel who quietly helped to clean up the backstage without claiming any credits, and evelyn again for making sure the real sunflowers wouldn't die by the time of the show by wrapping the base of the stem with wet tissue, the guys who willingly obliged to help us carry any stuff we needed to, binbin's parents for helping us fetch the props and speakers from nanyang house to lkc lt, qiuting who helped us source for sponsorships for florists and program booklets, lilian and ngehwee who stayed back for 2 hours helping me and qiuting with the tedious umbrella work.. Maybe I'm really not used to all these - since it was always the few of us managing everything in the club. But still, these people went out of their way and were really really nice and helpful.

Many of these were the people who were uncredited in the program booklet, and the little little things they made me feel that the world is a better place to live in. The list goes on and I haven't even started on my fellow seniors (Jen!! Bell!! Peiyi!!), backstage crew, ticketing managers, ushers, technicians, photographer and videographer (Ahmad! One of the nicest person I've ever known in CS, and also eli who also offered her help), Clarence for the videos and prog booklet (and who stupidly forgot to credit himself), and especially Kaiwen (for doing the saikang and also for managing the guests).. It's a never-ending list, of people who helped made this dream a reality. This dream, which is MY dream, MY passion.

And my parents' love for me. After the freaky incident on Mon, they've been sending me back every single day after the late night rehearsals, just to ensure my safety(even though I live so near school). It made me feel bad because my dad has to wake up so early and he can't sleep until he drives me home. And he'll be yawning in the car.. It was also my dad's first time watching me perform! It felt abit weird though, especially dancing in skimpy costumes you wouldn't want your dad to catch you in. Haha.. Of cos my mum was being so enthu as usual and snapping away with her handphone - I could even spot her doing that from the stage. And my lovely friends who turned up for my show (old friends are the best I swear). The lovely words of encouragement and praises from rhoda, linxin, xq, mel, eli, xh (who didn't watch the show but smsed me today to say how she heard of praises of it) - all these I'll never forget.

And also, this.

Which was waiting for me on my table when I got home at 12am. What a great surprise! Thanks for being so supportive and believing in me :) You made this concert even more special and memorable for me, even though we are miles apart. I know we don't really talk much about ourselves publicly, but you're the best thing that happened to me. :D

Helpless.

Dear diary.

I think I might implode soon.

Sigh.

Need a getaway, from life in general.